Vince tells me I need to relax. So we talk for 3 hours, talking about feelings and he wants to know why I like Sarah. I explain and he says fight for her. So I feel empowered, because I want to. I don’t know what I’m fighting but I’ll do it. Three years, what is going to stop me now? Over the summer Sarah and I were remarkably close. We were unbelievably close. Exchanging of body heat and sweet words, it was the ideal place for the moment. Thats where its wrong and I guess I want more than just a moment. I want to have insight to her side of the story without being sensitive but I get that way despite it all. And Vince tells me I need to not care what people think. So I start my process until he texts me telling me he likes Sarah too and I have to fight him for her. I now know my chances are slim considering he is tall, handsome, and has good insight on the world. He makes her laugh, and isn’t depressed all the time. I would sit there and listen to him, and he’d push me away but I’d stay. He told me it was a test, to see if I cared. I showed him I cared by staying. Now, I figured this was another test. Him and Sarah had a thing at the beginning of the school year but Sarah ended it because she claims they had nothing in common. I thought he was trying to test me. So I was cool with it but I told him I wouldn’t fight for her. He asked why, I said I wasn’t good enough and also considering that she isn’t a trophy. She’s more to me than that. More than a fucking prize. She has no idea he said that to me or anything because I want to stray away from this drama. I want her to feel like she can be happy without having to watch my emotions. I’m like a ticking time bomb… Since then we haven’t really talked much and I guess she is starting to think of him again and they’re supposedly talking quite a bit and it just makes me feel somewhat betrayed and mixed feelings. I want to be angry, but I want to be civil. And I want to be hurt but I want to be calm. I don’t want to point fingers because I’m the one who is upset. So I don’t tell anyone because I feel embarrassed and I feel like sarah will think more of me being more too emotional.

Its like I’m fighting myself with everyone else’s opinions.

She tells me I’m emotional and I know its joking but there’s that truth in there and its stinging. I take everything too personally and I wish I didn’t but it sucks when I care a lot. And on our blogs I have to see her posting and posting about how much she likes people and then she gets on my ass when she says I seem mad all the time. Its like, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME. But I can’t say that. And I can’t push people away, its uncivil.

Then comes the line of trying to treat everyone equally.

My brother yells at me about getting the television when he is away and my parents don’t get mad at him they get mad at me for getting more mad. Its hard because I feel like people encourage me day to day to express myself but then I’m suddenly wrong for feeling the way I do?

I just hate it cause I feel like a victim but I’m also the suspect. And I just want to put up with things without hurting people. Or myself.

I feel as though I am nothing more than a face.

That all the world sees is my exterior because I am constantly trying to perfect it out of fear.

That they’ll see every flaw I hold near.

Insides scattered all over the place.

I try to grip something more supportive than this cane

cause I’ve got a limp,

and I’m feeling awfully plain.

So maybe if I cut the umbilical cord

between me and the world

between my tongue and its words

I can be something more, something more,

something strong, something less casual than just a girl.

And if every day was my day of freedom,

I’d wear my best, best formal clothes.

I’d let the whole world know,

I’ll slay your fears if you just make this clear.

I need to be on my own.

Exploding,

as if my ribcage is about to burst and I feel every restrained emotion falling through. All the progress I’ve been making in the past couple of days is not even remotely near me right now. I feel my stomach swirling, and my chest swelling… with my blood running hot except for in my heart and head, I don’t think there is enough circulation. I’m a selfish, and stupid stupid girl. And he’s perfect for you, and I’m just a voice too scared to speak. GAHHHHHHHHH I want to scream my frustrations. I want to vocalize it and emphasize that I want this. Why does fear hold me back? I’ve played this over in my head about a thousand times a day every day for the past three years. I’m bitter and cold for hurting you, but I’m a loser for staying put. I just want you to be happy and I feel like if its at my expense so be it, fine. Stupid game plan sure but your smile lights up this whole fucking shit town. Even lights up me and I’m the blackest of blacks there is.

Dear big man on the second floor

I’ve got a secret that I’ve had trouble saying so many times before.

See my heart was once black, and now its turning color.

See I got a family, and god bless them all, they’ve saved me

when I couldn’t save myself.

And I complain quite a bit,

about the stupidest shit.

I don’t feel like I’m apart of them,

but the real problem

is me not accepting their love.

And see, I got a baby girl,

shes more than enough.

shes everything I could dream of.

and I don’t speak up,

quite as much as I should,

but she stays there,

when im hollow as wood.

And I’m abusing this power that I obtain

I blacken my name,

I blacken everything.

I put you all to shame,

but I swear I’ll make you proud.

I’m turning up the volume,

so you can hear me shout.

I’m so glad to be alive

with you all here in my life

and I know its all cliche

yeah, these words I say,

but i swear i swear i’ll make things right.

with all of you by my side.

and see mama says im lying through my teeth

with every line that i speak

it makes me question what i myself mean

but you know

i’m telling the truth

no more crying wolf i swear

i need you all one more time

so i can try and unleash these things from the cage in my mind.

I want to fall with you.

So maybe from a different approach this time. I’m stuck in fears of letting you win me over because I’m afraid you’ll abuse what I can offer you like in the past. But you’re different now, and thats what gets me even more. We’re older now. Right? Am I wrong for wanting best for you? Or is it where I feel I am wrong that I am wanting best for me? You know every word I’ve spoken to you hasn’t been a lie, as much as you’d like to believe and you can continue to believe I just don’t encourage it. I feel as if I understand you, and maybe I don’t, but as far as believing people and what they say, I fall under that same boat. That boats been leaking ever since we kissed again over summer. Those kisses weren’t a waste I assure you I meant every peck, every push of hair out of your face, and every forehead kiss. I strongly adore you I just don’t have the nerve to speak up and speak out. At sixteen I try to not take this all so seriously, and I do want you to be with others. However it feels like we haven’t finished what we’ve started. Or is that my false hope starting to talk? Either way I just find the uttermost comfort in you. You make me chase you like the idiot I am and I’ll complain but inside its home sweet home. Pushing and pulling each other apart, and at the end of it all we uncover something that I still have yet to find. A surprise or hurricane? I have yet to discover. I just am afraid you only chase and confide in me because you feel I’m the only one who is willing to take a chance on you. Thats not the case and I wish I could emphasize that into your head until you find yourself reciting it every day, “Thats not the case.” You’re beautiful with naked eyes that aren’t touched by the minerals young girls use in trying to be pretty, you’ve reached that in a snap of the fingers. I’ve always blamed you when in the end I realized I was just a masochist and I was hurting myself. I wanted to see if you care, and now you do the same in return.

I don’t know how to let him go. Or anyone for that matter. I just realize I care only about sex (although I’m a virgin the whole just idea of sex). I just want it because for in a moment in time its not about me, its not my feelings and I’m not worrying about being in control. I can relax. However when its over I feel like a disgusting little slut that can’t keep anything good for her. I feel that way everyday. I destroy the beautiful and I give into the hurt. I want it all to be okay but I find myself creating a hurricane right down the street. I could have everything be alright but its all too easy, I want to put up a fight. I want something, like a love that I can fight for. Do you have to fight to be in love? A lot of the problems I feel like I have with people is actually an internal problem.

And I swear to you, my intentions are all pure.

As pure as the Catholic church girl,

sneaking out at 12 o clock to smoke a cigarette on the rooftop. 

Contemplating life,

With the search light shining bright, looking for answers.

Jet black lungs, and words I wish but never could have the courage to have sung.

I’ve got the left over taste of rum that stains my tongue, 

But I haven’t been drunk in over a month.

I rest on my feet, as I occupy empty space in a white wall room.

Feeling the chills rush through my head to my toes.

Watching the roses become consumed by winter storms.

Black curtains drape over Wednesday night.

As I claw and fight, trying to pry it from my mind.